Interior, Hogwarts. Administrative office. Several years after the
Death of Voldemort
Secretary
...Yes, but you see. Well, that’s not how we normally do
it here.
Ron
Look mate, I’m Ron Weasley. Me and me mates, you may have
heard of one of ‘em, Harry Potter? We saved this school, right? We are the ones
solely responsible for you even having a job ‘ere now.
Secretary
I understand, but we don’t give advances on teacher’s
salaries. In fact we don’t even pay our staff to work here. We provide
everything they need while they’re on staff, so there’s no need for an
additional salary.
Ron
Yeah, well. Right. But if I’m going to be the new Defense
Against the Dark Arts teacher…
Secretary
Assistant to the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher,
actually.
Ron
Assistant Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, then.
Secretary
Um...no. But, alright.
Ron
So, as the Assistant Professor, I’ll be needin’ a new
wand. This one’s rubbish.
Secretary
Yes...I can see that. It looks like it’s been broken in
several places and mended with plasters?
Ron
‘ats right! It’s seen many a battle, that wand has.
Secretary
Is it made of pine...with...is that braided rat hair?
Ron
S’right! Bloody finest wand in Diagon Alley at one time,
that was. Me old friend Hagrid found it for me. Said he found it just outside
the shop on the ground. Can you believe that? You uh, know Hagrid? Big man he
is. No one to insult, if you value your head, mate!
Secretary
Yes, but surely that wand wasn’t used in battle. It would
have blown up in your face!
Ron
Are you calling me a liar?...Are you trying to say that I,
Ron Weasley, friend of Harry Potter and co-savior of Hogwarts is weavin’ a
yarn?
Secretary
Wel.. it’s just…
Ron
I personally used this wand to curse over a hundred Death
Eaters, mate! I lost friends, family, and a brother’s ear during that fight,
you git!
Secretary
I’m sorry, it’s just that…
Ron
Just what, mate?
Secretary
Nothing. So, you need money for a wand.
Ron
Yeah, that’s right. It’s got to replace this beauty.
Secretary
Alright, according to Tobin’s Wand Guide, the average wand
price is between 50 and 75 pounds.
Ron
Right. So... I’ll take 200 quid.
Secretary
200 pounds? How many wands do you need?
Ron
Listen, mate! I don’t have to explain myself to you. I
need to be ready. The whole school needs to be ready, lest he come back.
Secretary
...who?
Ron
VOLDEMORT, that’s who!
Secretary
Oh. But I thought he was…
Ron
Scared you, didn’t I? Can’t say his name can you?
VOLDEMORT. Ha! That old snake didn’t scare me. Why, me an’ Harry made quick
work of him. How would you like that, eh? Bein’ on the front lines during the
siege. Comin’ face to snout with that giant slimy Nagini? I’ll bet you’d have
wet your robes at the sight of ‘im!
Secretary
Yes, sir. So you’re requisitioning a new wand for teaching
and protection then?
Ron
I’ll have to protect poofs like you. If Voldemort’s Army
comes back, we’ll be run out of ‘ere in a second without blokes like me...
Secretary
... and Headmaster Longbottom, of course.
Ron
Neville? Why, he’s me mate, but he could barely hold the
sword of Griffindor, let alone swing it at a bloke. He’s awright in a pinch,
but a bit weak in the knees, if you know what I’m saying?
Secretary
Um, no I’m afraid I don’t.
Ron
VOLDEMORT! Hahaha. Look at ya squirm when you hear his
name. Now about that 300 quid?
Secretary
You mean 200 quid?
Ron
Well, c’mon mate. 200, 300, what’s the difference. Ol’
Longbottom knows I’m good fer it!
Secretary
Yes sir. Here’s the voucher. Now if you could just sign
here…
Ron
Voucher? What in the bloody hell is this?
Secretary
A voucher, to be used at Wesley’s Wibbley Wobbly Wands.
It’s the only wand shop in town, since Ollivander’s closed.
Ron
I don’t want a bleedin’ voucher! I want cash!
Secretary
Ron, I..
Ron
It’s Mr. Weasley to you!
Secretary
Right, sorry. Mr. Weasley, that’s how we do things here.
Like I said, we don’t pay our instructors a salary. Perhaps you could arrange
for some cash in exchange for the voucher at 4W?
Ron
I’ll arrange your face, mate!
Secretary
Please, Ro..er..Mr. Weasley. I’m doing all I can for you.
Ron
Bloody well better, mate! Don’t make me tell the
Headmaster what’s been goin’ on ‘ere.
Secretary
Quite.
Ron
VOLDEMORT! Hahahaha..nearly pissed yourself, didn’t ya?
Awright, I’m off to Diagon Alley to see a man about a wand! Hahahaha…
Ron exits the
office. The secretary picks up what appears to be a cell phone, but looks like
a dragon scale.
Secretary
Yes sir...Yes, he’s gone now... How much? Well he only
asked for 300... No, I gave him a voucher...Yes, just left. Thank you
Headmaster.
Several days later. Interior Hogwarts.
Classroom.
Ron
Take that you ol’ snake! (Ron waves his new wand around
furiously; weak colored sparks pop from the end softly, sometimes only dripping
from the end) You think you can get past me, eh? You might be able to take down
Dumbledore, but not me!
Harry Potter
enters quietly. Observing Ron as he plays out his scenario
Ron
I’ve got you now, Vold-y! You think you’re so tough, but
I’ve got you dead to rights, mate! What’s that? The boy who lived? ‘Arry was a
brave man, but he never had the stones to take you down for good! If you need
something done, you get a Weasley! That’s what they’ll say when I finish with
you! Have at you! (a brighter plume of blue sparks limps from the end of the
wand onto the table. As Ron grimaces at the sight of such a small eruption,
Harry walks forward.)
Harry
Get a new wand, Ron?
Ron
Harry! Good to see you, mate! How long’s it been? A few
months, eh?
Harry
Um, yeah. give or take. More like a year actually. How’ve you been Ron?
Ron
Bloody great! I’ve spent the last few months guarding
Hogsmeade from any remnants of the Death Eaters, and now I’ve been asked to
come back to our alma mater and teach Defense Against the Dark Arts!
Harry
I thought Seamus was teaching DADA’s this year?
Ron
Yeah, well, he is...I’m an Assistant Teaching
Harry
Ron?
Ron
Awright. Assistant to the Teacher of DADA. But it’s only
temporary. As soon as the Ministry’s sanctions wear off, I’ll be back at Auror
Training School and in your ranks before you know it! And, I can freelance, you
know! I’ve been certified a Master of Magical Creature Catching by the Swedish
Nightmare Mages.
Harry
Oh Ron! A MoMaCC? I thought you’d know better than that!
They give those certifications out to anyone on the wizard net. Hell, I’ve been
a certified Curator of Mermaid Bra Shells since our 3rd year at Hogwarts!
Ron
Don’t you diminish my accomplishments! Being a MoMaCC has
duties and responsibilities. Besides, I couldn’t be a CoMBS because I can’t
swim…
Harry
Bloody hell, Ron. You need to get it together, man. If
you’re going to…
Ron
Ah ha! I knew it! I knew you’d need me someday! I’m ready!
I’ve got a traveling bag all packed, a new map of the known wizarding world,
and a brand new wand ready to blast a hole in some malicious evil-doers! When
do we leave?
Harry
Uh...Ron…
Ron
I have been dreaming of this day for a year! Ever since
you guys left. I just knew you’d be back. Can’t split up a good team for long,
eh? How’s Hermione? Does she talk about me? I mean, we were almost an item, her
and I. Thought we had a spark, but turns out it was you that she..well I
mean...I was way too busy with the ladies to settle down you know?
Harry
Ron…
Ron
Still, be good to see her again. Both of you. Out on the
open road. Hunting down baddies. The three of us at it again, eh? Love it!
Harry
Ron, that’s not why I’m here…
Ron
We should get the whole gang together. You know, us,
Neville, Seamus, Ginny...heck even Draco would probably be happy to see us
considering what he’s been up to lately. I mean...wait, what?
Harry
I’m not here to ask you out on a mission. Well, not one
like that.
Ron
But there is a mission you need my help with?
Harry
Um...yes. Sort of. I need you to be at my side…
Ron
Then I am your man!
Harry
...as my “best” man.
Ron
I am your best man, Harry. Have been since our first year
‘ere.
Harry
Yes, Ron. I know. But that’s not what I meant.
Ron
Well, what did you mean?
Harry
I wanted to ask if you’d be my “Best Man” at my wedding.
Ron
Harry! Of course! I am honored to be your Best Man! This
kind of thing is best done by someone who knows you as well as someone like me.
Harry
Yeah, I know. Besides, Neville wasn’t able to do it.
Ron
What?
Harry
Nothing, nothing. I said we should try not to mention it
to Neville.
Ron
Break his heart, it would. He’s always been jealous of you
‘n me ‘Arry. Always trying to contact you to find out about the state of the
Death Eaters. And trying to make Dumbledore’s Army honorary veterans of
wizarding wars? Honestly, what a stupid git!
Harry
Yeah...Um so anyway. She insisted that if it was going to
happen, I had to come and get your blessing. It wouldn’t be right if you didn't
approve, and being the best man would mean alot to both of us. So, what do you
say Ron?
Ron
I say, “Brilliant!” So, who’s the lucky lady that has
managed to wrangle the ‘boy who lived’, eh? Is she hot? I’ll bet she is. Harry
Potter don’t ben no slugs, does he? Is she...a muggle? A muggle, eh? You dirty
bugger! I always knew you had a fondness for muggles. Good on ya, mate. I’ll
bet she worships the ground you walk on even if she has no clue how to cast the
simplest of spells.
Harry
Ron…
Ron
Not a muggle, eh? Then who is she? No, wait, I want to
guess. Is is Cho? It’s Cho isn’t it? I knew it! I knew you’d end up wi’ her!
Harry
Ron. It’s Hermione.
Ron
Cho Chang. Not bad, my friend, not bad. She’s no Luna
Lovegood, but hey… I mean ol’ Longbottom’s got his hands full with that
one...if you know what I mean. (Ron mimics the shape of large breasts)
Harry
Yes, Ron. I know what you mean. We always
knew what you mean. You don’t have to use your hands. But…
Ron
..that reminds me. Is it one of the twins?
That would be brilliant. Which one, Harry?
Harry
Neither. Ron, it’s…
Ron
I wonder what me mum and dad will think of you getting
married? Mum will cry, for sure. She always thought of you as a son. So, spill
the beans Harry...who is it? Who’s the lucky girl?
Harry
(now frustrated) IT’S HERMIONE!
Ron
Hermione? But…
Harry
What?
Ron
But the three of us are just friends…
Harry
We were. We are. We just…
Ron
You’ve never said anything about her before
Harry
I never realized what I was feeling until we were out of
school
Ron
You mean away from me, don’t you?
Harry
Ron, it wasn’t like that.
Ron
You knew I liked her, so you waited until I wasn’t around
to go after my woman!
Harry
No, Ron. It’s not what you think. Yes we love each other,
but no we didn’t realize it until we had been with each other for some time. You
are the person we hoped would understand the best. You are our oldest friend.
We want you to be okay with this…
Ron
Harry Potter wants Ron Weasley’s approval? That’s a laugh!
Hey everyone, the “Boy Who Lived” can’t live without Ron’s acceptance of his life
choices! Hmmpfh! Should have called you the “Boy Who Begged!”
Harry
I knew you’d do this. I told her you’d do this, but she
insisted. She wouldn’t marry me without your consent. Dammit, Ron! Can’t you
see that she loves you too?
Ron
She what?
Harry
She loves you. Very much. She always has. The three of us
share a bond that cannot be broken by pettiness or hatred. She loves you and so
do I, but Hermione and I belong together. Our paths go nowhere without one
another. You’re not like that. You don’t need anyone to tell you what to do or
where to go. I’m lost without her!
Ron
...Lost, eh?
Harry
Yes! I…
Ron
You what?
Harry
...I...I…
Ron
...what?
Harry
I need something done...and when people need something
done...when we need something done. We…
Ron
...yes?
Harry
(distress...leading to a slight crack of a smile) We call
a Weasley.
Ron
Why you bloody bastard! (smiling) How long were you
listening?
Harry
Only for a moment. Just long enough to see you didn’t need
my help vanquishing old “Vold-y!”
Ron
I...uh...it was..I mean
Harry
It’s alright, Ron. You’re alright.
Ron
Thanks Harry. You’re not too bad yourself, old chum. Even
for a git!
Harry
Yeah? Right back at you, ya wanker!
Several years later. Interior. Hogwarts.
Outside classroom.
Ron
(heard yelling from inside the room) And this time make
sure it’s proper beer and not that butterbeer shite! If I taste even a drop of
butter in ‘me next pint, I’ll have the Whomping Willow send you into next week,
ya’ big hairy sack of beard and bollocks!
Hagrid
(closing the door) Yessir, Mr. Weasley. Right away sir.
(to a young woman in Prefect robes) you heard the man. On yer way, girl! And
make it snappy. Mr. Weasley don’t tolerate sloth!
Enter Harry
Potter.
Harry
Hagrid! How long it’s been since I’ve seen you! How’ve you
been you big lug?
Hagrid
Harry! What a sight fer sore eyes you are! Good to see yer
face around these parts again! And Hermione, is she here too?
Harry
No, she’s a bit preoccupied for travel. I’m sure she could
have made the trip, but we both felt it was for the best. Hagrid, I’ve got
news!
Hagrid
Well, what is it then? Spit it out? Is it...you ‘know?
Harry
No Hagrid, it’s good news. Great news!
Hagrid
Oh, well, then. Do tell?
Harry
Hermione’s pregnant!
Hagrid
(grabbing Harry and “embracing” him a little too tight)
Harry Potter’s gonna be a father! Hermione’s a Mum! That’s great!
Harry
Mmmmmaaagggrrrphhhiiiddmmhhh!
Hagrid
Oh, sorry Harry.
Harry
S’okay pal. We’re happy you’re excited.
Hagrid
Have you hired a Nanny? Because I’d be honored to be
considered for the job…
Harry
Won’t Hogwarts need it’s groundskeeper?
Hagrid
Nawh. They’ve got first and second years doin’ all that
now. I mainly just hang around ta tell stories to the brave ones who gather up
the courage to ask about you.
Harry
Well, he will need a nanny who can teach him about magical
creatures…
Hagrid
Oh Harry! You’ve made me the happiest half-giant in the
world! Oh, but have you told Mr. Weasley...er I mean Ron yet?
Harry
No, that’s what I was here to do. Is he in?
Hagrid
Yes, but be careful. He’e between kegs at the moment.
That’s always a sticky time to be botherin’ him. Especially with something like
that.
Harry
Yes, well, I’ve got my orders…
Hagrid
Ha! Same old Hermione! (smiles)
Harry
Yep. It was good to see you Hagrid.
Hagrid
You too, Harry!
Harry
I’ll send an owl when the baby’s here. We’ll be expecting
his “Uncle Hagrid!”
Hagrid
(on his way) Uncle Hagrid! As I live and breathe! Bye
Harry!
Harry
Bye Hagrid! (to himself) Alright, steel yourself Potter,
it’s about to get ugly…
Interior Hogwarts. Classroom/Office.
Ron
Is that you, you big oaf! It better be a dark ale and not
that butter shite!
Harry
Hi Ron!
Ron
(Getting up from his desk and clearing the empty crisp
packets and dirty pint glasses from a chair on the other side of his desk.)
Harry! I...uh...what are you doing here? I didn't get a message that you were
coming?
Harry
I didn’t send one. I wanted to surprise you.
Ron
Bloody hell! Surprise ain’t the word! What brings you down
here?
Harry
Oh, well...Ron, people are talking.
Ron
People do that, yeah.
Harry
Are you okay, Ron? Is there anything you need?
Ron
Yeah. Harry, there is. I...I could really...I mean, it’s
hard to say this. Especially to you. But, well, I…
Harry
Yes, Ron?
Ron
...I could...I could really use another beer! Where the
hell is Hagrid? I sent him to the kitchens ten minutes ago! Did he have to
squeeze the beer out of a house elf or something? C’mon!
Harry
Ron. What happened to you?
Ron
What happened to me? Are you seriously asking me that,
Harry?
Harry
Yes, Ron. How’d you get like this?
Ron
Well, Mr. Potter...let’s recap shall we? Let’s stroll down
memory lane and take a turn on Ron Weasley avenue. Are you sure you’re ready?
Buckle up, Potter! It’s gonna be a helluva trip!
Harry
Please, Ron
Ron
Let’s start at the beginning. I was an average kid.
Nothin’ special. Got teased because I’ma ginger, but I was well-liked and had
older brothers so me name carried a small amount of weight ‘round the train to
Hogwarts…
Harry
Ron, I…
Ron
(ignoring Harry) I met a girl on the train. A lovely lass,
who was smart and fun as she was beautiful. She admired my family heritage a
well as my wit, until she met this other bloke on the train. A stupid git with
broken glasses and a birth defect right across ‘is forehead!
Harry
A scar, Ron. It was a scar.
Ron
A scar you got because of when you were born. I’d call
that a birth defect! And don’t interrupt!
Harry
Fine Go on…
Ron
This bloke proceeds to gain the attention of everyone on
the train and subsequently everyone at Hogwarts. Including one Headmaster; who
between you, me and almost everyone else with 5 senses was as gay as the day is
long…
Harry
Ron! That’s enough. Say what you will about me…
Ron
Oh, I aim to…
Harry
...but leave Dumbledore out of it!
Ron
Fine, I’ll leave your precious mentor alone...for now.
Harry
Ron…
Ron
So, this bloke manages to convince everyone in the entire
Wizarding world that he’s a powerful wizard. More powerful, in fact, than ol’
Tom Riddle himself! Then he uses his influence to make people fight his battles
for him, including his best friend and his future wife!
Harry
Ron…
Ron
But, the people still sing his praises. Forgetting that
the fateful battle that won the war against Voldemort was won on the backs of
his friends and family. Not to mention the deaths of several people who died to
save him so that he could dump garbage on their memory and exorcise his
friends!
Harry
Ok, Ron. This has gone far enough…
Ron
You would think that wouldn’t you, Harry! This “story”
isn’t all about you this time! It’s about real people with real feelings and
real hopes and dreams…
Harry
Ron, I understand.
Ron
The hell you do! You and Hermione, you were my friends.
You were like family to me. I looked to you like the only brown-haired brother
I had. And for what? So that you could leave me behind? So that you could run
off with Hermione and start a life together without me? “Leave ol’ Ron behind,
eh?” “Yeah, he’ll just get in the way!” Well, fine! You made your choice,
Potter! You gave up friendship and family for love and adventure….
Harry
Ron, I…
Ron
Where’s my love, Harry? Where’s my adventure? When does
Ron Weasley get to find all the things he helped everybody else find? The only
thing I’ve managed to discover, is that I’m a helluva good drunk! So what now?
What big revelation have you come to dump on poor, sad ol’ Ronnie?
Harry
Ron. I...just calm down. Let’s sit and talk about this…
Ron
No! There’s no more sitting and talking with you, Harry!
I’ve heard everything I want to hear from you! You’re a fake and a cheater, and
I want nothing more than to be rid of you and your bloody legacy! You know
what. screw you and Neville! I’m the “Boy Who Lived!” I had to live through all
of your bollocks! That’s worth then scars on my forehead, mate! G’head. Do it!
Take out your wand and give me the visible representation of your ruining of my
life!
Harry
Ron! You’re being ridiculous! I won’t do that!
Ron
No? Too chicken, eh? Figures! It only proves what a coward
you are. Oh, if only the newspaper was here to see this! “Wonderboy Potter:
Afraid of a Weasley!” Oh how the Ministry would hate you then, eh? Suppose, the
did, eh? You’d have to admit that I helped you achieve everything they say you
did by yourself!
Harry
It wasn’t just you Ron…
Ron
No, that’s right! It wasn’t. That trollop was by your side
every step of the way!
Harry
(draws his wand) Don’t you…
Ron
That’s right, Harry. Do it! Put me out of my misery (grabs
Harry’s wand and points it at his head)
Harry
Ron! No! I won’t
Ron
C’mon Harry, say it!
Harry
No…
Ron
(softly) Stupefy…
Harry
Ron, I’m not…
Ron
(louder) Stupefy…
Harry
Ron, this is insane
Ron
(almost a yell) Crucio...
Harry
Ron, no! Now that’s enough!
Ron
(points his wand at Harry while holding Harry’s wand at
his head) Avada Kedavra!
Harry
RON! (the curse jsut misses Harry’s head. Striking the
back of the office and leaving a black charred mark on the wall)
Ron
Leave me alone! If you can’t kill me, then leave! Let me
end my days here in the last palce I was truly happy. Let me drown in a potion,
not unlike the deadly ones we accidentally made in class. Let me be,
Harry...let me be.
Harry
Ron, I…
Ron
Just go…
Harry
But, Ron. This is no way to live. What about everything we
fought for?
Ron
Everything you fought for! I only fought for one thing
besides you…
Harry
What?
Ron
...her…
Harry
Ron, I’m...I…
Ron
Go Harry!
Harry
I hope he turns out to be half the man that you are, Ron
Weasley…
Ron
What are you talking about?
Harry
My only wish is that he’ll get to know the man his father
tells him stories about every night before he goes to bed,
Ron
Harry, what the hell are you on about now?
Harry
He’ll hear about you from his friends, no doubt. And their
stories will probably be even bigger exaggerations than I tell him…
Ron
Harry Potter, what are you trying to say to me?
Harry
You’re going to be a godfather, Ron.
Ron
Godfather, Did Bill send you? Are they gonna have another
one? Christ, those two are like rabbits!
Harry
No, Ron. Not Bill. Me.
Ron
You and Fleur? When did this happen? You’d better hide,
mate! When Bill finds out, no amount of beer will ease your pain. You’ll be
wishing that curse I threw hit it’s mark.
Harry
Ron, boy are you thick! It’s not Fleur, it’s not Bill.
It’s me..and Hermione. We’re having a baby!
Ron
YOU’RE WHAT? That’s BRILLIANT! When, where, how…I mean,
this is great news!
Harry
I’m glad to hear that, old friend.
Ron
Right! Well, as the Godfather to this young man, I decree
that you take me to his mother immediately! This is a cause for celebration!
(Ron starts to tear apart his office looking for something)
Harry
Ron, what are you doing?
Ron
If this is to be any kind of celebration, we need to have
all the proper equipment!
Harry
Ron, Hermione can’t drink, she’s pregnant!
Ron
I know that, you git! I was looking for this! (Ron holds
out his hands and shows Harry a loosely strung together mess of four pieces of
a wand)
Harry
Your old wand? Why do we need that?
Ron
It’s got to go in the baby’s room, of course!
Harry
Um...why?
Ron
So when his father tells him all the stories about his
Uncle Ron, he can look up and see the actual wand that helped his father and
uncle through all those stories. And when his friends come in to see the wand
he can explain to them what it symbolizes…
Harry
What’s that Ron?
Ron
That no matter how many times it bends, cracks, splits, or
breaks; The bond shared by a wand and it’s master is like the bond shared
between friends. It will never fail you in times of great need, and no matter
how much trouble you’re in, it will help you get out any way it can.
Harry
I couldn’t have asked for a better gift for our son…
Ron
Well, c’mon Harry. It’s just a ruddy old wand. It might
impress some kids, but…
Harry
I wasn’t talking about the wand, Ron.
Ron
You weren’t? Then what were you talking about, Potter?
Harry
Bloody hell, you’re thick, Ron!
Ron
It’s a Weasley family trait!
Harry
Let’s hope the baby doesn’t take that from his Uncle…
Ron
Any chance he could be ginger?
Harry
Only if he’s lucky, Ron...only if he’s lucky…
Ron
Lucky I didn’t take your head off a minute ago, eh?
Harry
Yeah. Good thing you were aiming right at me, or I’d have
been worried!
Ron
I wasn’t….
They both
embrace as the leave the office. Laughing and chatting about new adventures to
come...some of old, some new, and some that they might have to make up for the
sake of the baby, but new adventures just the same...
