Wednesday, January 28, 2015

stuffwith no place that i jsut want down on paper


make no mistake, this is not good. It's just not worth losing:
 
 
 
As lines twist

And paths cross

I didn’t know what I had lost

It was me

 

I was adrift

On a quest

For what I thought best

But only kept me apart

Deliberately from myself and my own heart

 

As light and dark

Chased one another

Across the heavens

A cat and mouse

Protecting the house

From apathy and malaise

Another lonely day

All I aspired toward

No open doors

No wars, chores, or clean floors

Just mine

Not yours

Just mine

Not yours

 

Then

 

As lines twist

And paths cross

I found what I had lost

It was you

 

You were deliberate

Enchanting and exotic

Mythical and erotic

Emanating from yourself and your own heart

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

This is for/inspired by The Pizza Underground: (It's theirs if they want it, I give them permission to change, edit, or use none at all)

:)

Sausage Ray

Chuck and Molly inside
They're looking for another slice
Who're eating with Miss Raygun
Who's busy looking for her bacon
I'm searching for marinara
I said I couldn't eat it sideways
I said I couldn't eat it sideways
Oh, just like Sausage Ray said
Layer it on

Rosey and Miss Raygun
They're busy waiting for barbeque-er
Who just had one from Carolina
She said she didn't like the flavor
They're busy waiting for her neighbor
Who says his meat’s as big as ever
He knows cause he's from Alabama
He wants his pizza to earn a dollar
I'm searching for marinara
I said I couldn't eat it sideways
I couldn't eat it sideways
Oh, just like Sausage Ray said
Pile it on

Fievel's got his own piece
He salts and garlics between three and four
He takes it to the neighbor
Throws it all up on the floor
Oh, you shouldn't do that
Don't you know, you'll stain the carpet?
Now don't you know you'll stain the carpet
And by the way, have you got an olive
Oh, no, man, I haven't got the time time
Too busy eating this hawaiian
She's busy eating this hawaiian
Oh, she does just like Sausage Ray said
I'm searching for marinara
I said I couldn't eat it sideways
Oh, couldn't, couldn't eat it sideways
Oh it, it just, just all over the floor, the floor

Now, who's that knocking
Who's that knocking on my pizza box
Now could it be the delivery
They come to take me for a pie pie
Oh, but I haven't got the dime dime
Hey, hey, hey she's busy putting on oregano
She's too busy putting on oregano
Oh, now, just like Sasuage Ray said
I'm searching for marinara
I couldn't eat it sideways
I couldn't eat it sideways

Oh, just like Sausage Ray said

Thursday, May 15, 2014



Sad panda, man. #pandachow

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Cat-tastrophe

"That cat can walk like a big bad man."  -R.E.M. "Lotus"

So, it's a weird thing. Last night I turned to the album Up, because I was in a state and needed to wallow a bit. The song I kept repeating was "Lotus" for it's brash sound and slightly jarring lyrics. I listened to it over and over (as I often do when I fixate on a song) and had my mind on the Lotus Eaters of Odysseus and Tennyson. 

Early this morning, I get a laugh by way of an internet joke/email about a woman, her lost cat, and the guy she's begging to make her a missing poster. Funny, but mainly because of the acerbic way the man taunts the poor woman...and because I don't like cats. 

Then, my uncle posts on Facebook about hiking the Superstition Mountains, and I proceed to joke (badly) that he must have had to avoid lots of ladders and black cats along the way. Shortly after that, another friend posts a "kitten in a teacup" pic and I make a snarky comment. Still blissfully ignorant to the growing trend in my day. 

Finally, while attempting to decide which line from "Lotus" to post as my Facebook status, I stumble upon "That cat..." and it hits me. 

I'm being told something here, but I have no idea what it is. What do cats signify and why am I encountering so many cats today? 

"So happy to show us, I ate the lotus..." -R.E.M "Lotus"

-Jeffro

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

When Harry Met Hermione

Interior, Hogwarts. Administrative office. Several years after the Death of Voldemort

Secretary
...Yes, but you see. Well, that’s not how we normally do it here.

Ron
Look mate, I’m Ron Weasley. Me and me mates, you may have heard of one of ‘em, Harry Potter? We saved this school, right? We are the ones solely responsible for you even having a job ‘ere now.

Secretary
I understand, but we don’t give advances on teacher’s salaries. In fact we don’t even pay our staff to work here. We provide everything they need while they’re on staff, so there’s no need for an additional salary.

Ron
Yeah, well. Right. But if I’m going to be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher…

Secretary
Assistant to the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, actually.

Ron
Assistant Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, then.

Secretary
Um...no. But, alright.

Ron
So, as the Assistant Professor, I’ll be needin’ a new wand. This one’s rubbish.

Secretary
Yes...I can see that. It looks like it’s been broken in several places and mended with plasters?

Ron
‘ats right! It’s seen many a battle, that wand has.

Secretary
Is it made of pine...with...is that braided rat hair?

Ron
S’right! Bloody finest wand in Diagon Alley at one time, that was. Me old friend Hagrid found it for me. Said he found it just outside the shop on the ground. Can you believe that? You uh, know Hagrid? Big man he is. No one to insult, if you value your head, mate!

Secretary
Yes, but surely that wand wasn’t used in battle. It would have blown up in your face!


Ron
Are you calling me a liar?...Are you trying to say that I, Ron Weasley, friend of Harry Potter and co-savior of Hogwarts is weavin’ a yarn?

Secretary
Wel.. it’s just…

Ron
I personally used this wand to curse over a hundred Death Eaters, mate! I lost friends, family, and a brother’s ear during that fight, you git!

Secretary
I’m sorry, it’s just that…

Ron
Just what, mate?

Secretary
Nothing. So, you need money for a wand.

Ron
Yeah, that’s right. It’s got to replace this beauty.

Secretary
Alright, according to Tobin’s Wand Guide, the average wand price is between 50 and 75 pounds.

Ron
Right. So... I’ll take 200 quid.

Secretary
200 pounds? How many wands do you need?

Ron
Listen, mate! I don’t have to explain myself to you. I need to be ready. The whole school needs to be ready, lest he come back.

Secretary
...who?

Ron
VOLDEMORT, that’s who!

Secretary
Oh. But I thought he was…

Ron
Scared you, didn’t I? Can’t say his name can you? VOLDEMORT. Ha! That old snake didn’t scare me. Why, me an’ Harry made quick work of him. How would you like that, eh? Bein’ on the front lines during the siege. Comin’ face to snout with that giant slimy Nagini? I’ll bet you’d have wet your robes at the sight of ‘im!

Secretary
Yes, sir. So you’re requisitioning a new wand for teaching and protection then?

Ron
I’ll have to protect poofs like you. If Voldemort’s Army comes back, we’ll be run out of ‘ere in a second without blokes like me...

Secretary
... and Headmaster Longbottom, of course.

Ron
Neville? Why, he’s me mate, but he could barely hold the sword of Griffindor, let alone swing it at a bloke. He’s awright in a pinch, but a bit weak in the knees, if you know what I’m saying?

Secretary
Um, no I’m afraid I don’t.

Ron
VOLDEMORT! Hahaha. Look at ya squirm when you hear his name. Now about that 300 quid?

Secretary
You mean 200 quid?

Ron
Well, c’mon mate. 200, 300, what’s the difference. Ol’ Longbottom knows I’m good fer it!

Secretary
Yes sir. Here’s the voucher. Now if you could just sign here…

Ron
Voucher? What in the bloody hell is this?

Secretary
A voucher, to be used at Wesley’s Wibbley Wobbly Wands. It’s the only wand shop in town, since Ollivander’s closed.

Ron
I don’t want a bleedin’ voucher! I want cash!

Secretary
Ron, I..

Ron
It’s Mr. Weasley to you!

Secretary
Right, sorry. Mr. Weasley, that’s how we do things here. Like I said, we don’t pay our instructors a salary. Perhaps you could arrange for some cash in exchange for the voucher at 4W?

Ron
I’ll arrange your face, mate!

Secretary
Please, Ro..er..Mr. Weasley. I’m doing all I can for you.

Ron
Bloody well better, mate! Don’t make me tell the Headmaster what’s been goin’ on ‘ere.

Secretary
Quite.

Ron
VOLDEMORT! Hahahaha..nearly pissed yourself, didn’t ya? Awright, I’m off to Diagon Alley to see a man about a wand! Hahahaha…

Ron exits the office. The secretary picks up what appears to be a cell phone, but looks like a dragon scale.

Secretary
Yes sir...Yes, he’s gone now... How much? Well he only asked for 300... No, I gave him a voucher...Yes, just left. Thank you Headmaster.

Several days later. Interior Hogwarts. Classroom.

Ron
Take that you ol’ snake! (Ron waves his new wand around furiously; weak colored sparks pop from the end softly, sometimes only dripping from the end) You think you can get past me, eh? You might be able to take down Dumbledore, but not me!

Harry Potter enters quietly. Observing Ron as he plays out his scenario

Ron
I’ve got you now, Vold-y! You think you’re so tough, but I’ve got you dead to rights, mate! What’s that? The boy who lived? ‘Arry was a brave man, but he never had the stones to take you down for good! If you need something done, you get a Weasley! That’s what they’ll say when I finish with you! Have at you! (a brighter plume of blue sparks limps from the end of the wand onto the table. As Ron grimaces at the sight of such a small eruption, Harry walks forward.)

Harry
Get a new wand, Ron?


Ron
Harry! Good to see you, mate! How long’s it been? A few months, eh?

Harry
Um, yeah. give or take. More like a year actually.  How’ve you been Ron?

Ron
Bloody great! I’ve spent the last few months guarding Hogsmeade from any remnants of the Death Eaters, and now I’ve been asked to come back to our alma mater and teach Defense Against the Dark Arts!

Harry
I thought Seamus was teaching DADA’s this year?

Ron
Yeah, well, he is...I’m an Assistant Teaching

Harry
Ron?

Ron
Awright. Assistant to the Teacher of DADA. But it’s only temporary. As soon as the Ministry’s sanctions wear off, I’ll be back at Auror Training School and in your ranks before you know it! And, I can freelance, you know! I’ve been certified a Master of Magical Creature Catching by the Swedish Nightmare Mages.

Harry
Oh Ron! A MoMaCC? I thought you’d know better than that! They give those certifications out to anyone on the wizard net. Hell, I’ve been a certified Curator of Mermaid Bra Shells since our 3rd year at Hogwarts!

Ron
Don’t you diminish my accomplishments! Being a MoMaCC has duties and responsibilities. Besides, I couldn’t be a CoMBS because I can’t swim…

Harry
Bloody hell, Ron. You need to get it together, man. If you’re going to…

Ron
Ah ha! I knew it! I knew you’d need me someday! I’m ready! I’ve got a traveling bag all packed, a new map of the known wizarding world, and a brand new wand ready to blast a hole in some malicious evil-doers! When do we leave?

Harry
Uh...Ron…

Ron
I have been dreaming of this day for a year! Ever since you guys left. I just knew you’d be back. Can’t split up a good team for long, eh? How’s Hermione? Does she talk about me? I mean, we were almost an item, her and I. Thought we had a spark, but turns out it was you that she..well I mean...I was way too busy with the ladies to settle down you know?
Harry
Ron…

Ron
Still, be good to see her again. Both of you. Out on the open road. Hunting down baddies. The three of us at it again, eh? Love it!

Harry
Ron, that’s not why I’m here…

Ron
We should get the whole gang together. You know, us, Neville, Seamus, Ginny...heck even Draco would probably be happy to see us considering what he’s been up to lately. I mean...wait, what?

Harry
I’m not here to ask you out on a mission. Well, not one like that.

Ron
But there is a mission you need my help with?

Harry
Um...yes. Sort of. I need you to be at my side…

Ron
Then I am your man!

Harry
...as my “best” man.

Ron
I am your best man, Harry. Have been since our first year ‘ere.

Harry
Yes, Ron. I know. But that’s not what I meant.

Ron
Well, what did you mean?

Harry
I wanted to ask if you’d be my “Best Man” at my wedding.

Ron
Harry! Of course! I am honored to be your Best Man! This kind of thing is best done by someone who knows you as well as someone like me.

Harry
Yeah, I know. Besides, Neville wasn’t able to do it.
Ron
What?

Harry
Nothing, nothing. I said we should try not to mention it to Neville.

Ron
Break his heart, it would. He’s always been jealous of you ‘n me ‘Arry. Always trying to contact you to find out about the state of the Death Eaters. And trying to make Dumbledore’s Army honorary veterans of wizarding wars? Honestly, what a stupid git!

Harry
Yeah...Um so anyway. She insisted that if it was going to happen, I had to come and get your blessing. It wouldn’t be right if you didn't approve, and being the best man would mean alot to both of us. So, what do you say Ron?

Ron
I say, “Brilliant!” So, who’s the lucky lady that has managed to wrangle the ‘boy who lived’, eh? Is she hot? I’ll bet she is. Harry Potter don’t ben no slugs, does he? Is she...a muggle? A muggle, eh? You dirty bugger! I always knew you had a fondness for muggles. Good on ya, mate. I’ll bet she worships the ground you walk on even if she has no clue how to cast the simplest of spells.

Harry
Ron…

Ron
Not a muggle, eh? Then who is she? No, wait, I want to guess. Is is Cho? It’s Cho isn’t it? I knew it! I knew you’d end up wi’ her!

Harry
Ron. It’s Hermione.

Ron
Cho Chang. Not bad, my friend, not bad. She’s no Luna Lovegood, but hey… I mean ol’ Longbottom’s got his hands full with that one...if you know what I mean. (Ron mimics the shape of large breasts)

Harry
Yes, Ron. I know what you mean. We always knew what you mean. You don’t have to use your hands. But…

Ron
..that reminds me. Is it one of the twins? That would be brilliant. Which one, Harry?


Harry
Neither. Ron, it’s…


Ron
I wonder what me mum and dad will think of you getting married? Mum will cry, for sure. She always thought of you as a son. So, spill the beans Harry...who is it? Who’s the lucky girl?

Harry
(now frustrated) IT’S HERMIONE!

Ron
Hermione? But…

Harry
What?

Ron
But the three of us are just friends…

Harry
We were. We are. We just…

Ron
You’ve never said anything about her before

Harry
I never realized what I was feeling until we were out of school

Ron
You mean away from me, don’t you?

Harry
Ron, it wasn’t like that.

Ron
You knew I liked her, so you waited until I wasn’t around to go after my woman!

Harry
No, Ron. It’s not what you think. Yes we love each other, but no we didn’t realize it until we had been with each other for some time. You are the person we hoped would understand the best. You are our oldest friend. We want you to be okay with this…

Ron
Harry Potter wants Ron Weasley’s approval? That’s a laugh! Hey everyone, the “Boy Who Lived” can’t live without Ron’s acceptance of his life choices! Hmmpfh! Should have called you the “Boy Who Begged!”


Harry
I knew you’d do this. I told her you’d do this, but she insisted. She wouldn’t marry me without your consent. Dammit, Ron! Can’t you see that she loves you too?

Ron
She what?

Harry
She loves you. Very much. She always has. The three of us share a bond that cannot be broken by pettiness or hatred. She loves you and so do I, but Hermione and I belong together. Our paths go nowhere without one another. You’re not like that. You don’t need anyone to tell you what to do or where to go. I’m lost without her!

Ron
...Lost, eh?

Harry
Yes! I…

Ron
You what?

Harry
...I...I…

Ron
...what?

Harry
I need something done...and when people need something done...when we need something done. We…

Ron
...yes?

Harry
(distress...leading to a slight crack of a smile) We call a Weasley.

Ron
Why you bloody bastard! (smiling) How long were you listening?

Harry
Only for a moment. Just long enough to see you didn’t need my help vanquishing old “Vold-y!”

Ron
I...uh...it was..I mean


Harry
It’s alright, Ron. You’re alright.

Ron
Thanks Harry. You’re not too bad yourself, old chum. Even for a git!
Harry
Yeah? Right back at you, ya wanker!

Several years later. Interior. Hogwarts. Outside classroom.

Ron
(heard yelling from inside the room) And this time make sure it’s proper beer and not that butterbeer shite! If I taste even a drop of butter in ‘me next pint, I’ll have the Whomping Willow send you into next week, ya’ big hairy sack of beard and bollocks!

Hagrid
(closing the door) Yessir, Mr. Weasley. Right away sir. (to a young woman in Prefect robes) you heard the man. On yer way, girl! And make it snappy. Mr. Weasley don’t tolerate sloth!

Enter Harry Potter.
Harry
Hagrid! How long it’s been since I’ve seen you! How’ve you been you big lug?

Hagrid
Harry! What a sight fer sore eyes you are! Good to see yer face around these parts again! And Hermione, is she here too?

Harry
No, she’s a bit preoccupied for travel. I’m sure she could have made the trip, but we both felt it was for the best. Hagrid, I’ve got news!

Hagrid
Well, what is it then? Spit it out? Is it...you ‘know?

Harry
No Hagrid, it’s good news. Great news!

Hagrid
Oh, well, then. Do tell?

Harry
Hermione’s pregnant!

Hagrid
(grabbing Harry and “embracing” him a little too tight) Harry Potter’s gonna be a father! Hermione’s a Mum! That’s great!


Harry
Mmmmmaaagggrrrphhhiiiddmmhhh!

Hagrid
Oh, sorry Harry.

Harry
S’okay pal. We’re happy you’re excited.

Hagrid
Have you hired a Nanny? Because I’d be honored to be considered for the job…

Harry
Won’t Hogwarts need it’s groundskeeper?

Hagrid
Nawh. They’ve got first and second years doin’ all that now. I mainly just hang around ta tell stories to the brave ones who gather up the courage to ask about you.

Harry
Well, he will need a nanny who can teach him about magical creatures…

Hagrid
Oh Harry! You’ve made me the happiest half-giant in the world! Oh, but have you told Mr. Weasley...er I mean Ron yet?

Harry
No, that’s what I was here to do. Is he in?

Hagrid
Yes, but be careful. He’e between kegs at the moment. That’s always a sticky time to be botherin’ him. Especially with something like that.

Harry
Yes, well, I’ve got my orders…

Hagrid
Ha! Same old Hermione! (smiles)

Harry
Yep. It was good to see you Hagrid.

Hagrid
You too, Harry!

Harry
I’ll send an owl when the baby’s here. We’ll be expecting his “Uncle Hagrid!”

Hagrid
(on his way) Uncle Hagrid! As I live and breathe! Bye Harry!

Harry
Bye Hagrid! (to himself) Alright, steel yourself Potter, it’s about to get ugly…

Interior Hogwarts. Classroom/Office.

Ron
Is that you, you big oaf! It better be a dark ale and not that butter shite!

Harry
Hi Ron!

Ron
(Getting up from his desk and clearing the empty crisp packets and dirty pint glasses from a chair on the other side of his desk.) Harry! I...uh...what are you doing here? I didn't get a message that you were coming?

Harry
I didn’t send one. I wanted to surprise you.

Ron
Bloody hell! Surprise ain’t the word! What brings you down here?

Harry
Oh, well...Ron, people are talking.

Ron
People do that, yeah.

Harry
Are you okay, Ron? Is there anything you need?

Ron
Yeah. Harry, there is. I...I could really...I mean, it’s hard to say this. Especially to you. But, well, I…

Harry
Yes, Ron?

Ron
...I could...I could really use another beer! Where the hell is Hagrid? I sent him to the kitchens ten minutes ago! Did he have to squeeze the beer out of a house elf or something? C’mon!

Harry
Ron. What happened to you?

Ron
What happened to me? Are you seriously asking me that, Harry?

Harry
Yes, Ron. How’d you get like this?

Ron
Well, Mr. Potter...let’s recap shall we? Let’s stroll down memory lane and take a turn on Ron Weasley avenue. Are you sure you’re ready? Buckle up, Potter! It’s gonna be a helluva trip!

Harry
Please, Ron

Ron
Let’s start at the beginning. I was an average kid. Nothin’ special. Got teased because I’ma ginger, but I was well-liked and had older brothers so me name carried a small amount of weight ‘round the train to Hogwarts…

Harry
Ron, I…

Ron
(ignoring Harry) I met a girl on the train. A lovely lass, who was smart and fun as she was beautiful. She admired my family heritage a well as my wit, until she met this other bloke on the train. A stupid git with broken glasses and a birth defect right across ‘is forehead!

Harry
A scar, Ron. It was a scar.

Ron
A scar you got because of when you were born. I’d call that a birth defect! And don’t interrupt!

Harry
Fine Go on…

Ron
This bloke proceeds to gain the attention of everyone on the train and subsequently everyone at Hogwarts. Including one Headmaster; who between you, me and almost everyone else with 5 senses was as gay as the day is long…

Harry
Ron! That’s enough. Say what you will about me…

Ron
Oh, I aim to…

Harry
...but leave Dumbledore out of it!

Ron
Fine, I’ll leave your precious mentor alone...for now.

Harry
Ron…

Ron
So, this bloke manages to convince everyone in the entire Wizarding world that he’s a powerful wizard. More powerful, in fact, than ol’ Tom Riddle himself! Then he uses his influence to make people fight his battles for him, including his best friend and his future wife!

Harry
Ron…

Ron
But, the people still sing his praises. Forgetting that the fateful battle that won the war against Voldemort was won on the backs of his friends and family. Not to mention the deaths of several people who died to save him so that he could dump garbage on their memory and exorcise his friends!

Harry
Ok, Ron. This has gone far enough…

Ron
You would think that wouldn’t you, Harry! This “story” isn’t all about you this time! It’s about real people with real feelings and real hopes and dreams…

Harry
Ron, I understand.

Ron
The hell you do! You and Hermione, you were my friends. You were like family to me. I looked to you like the only brown-haired brother I had. And for what? So that you could leave me behind? So that you could run off with Hermione and start a life together without me? “Leave ol’ Ron behind, eh?” “Yeah, he’ll just get in the way!” Well, fine! You made your choice, Potter! You gave up friendship and family for love and adventure….

Harry
Ron, I…

Ron
Where’s my love, Harry? Where’s my adventure? When does Ron Weasley get to find all the things he helped everybody else find? The only thing I’ve managed to discover, is that I’m a helluva good drunk! So what now? What big revelation have you come to dump on poor, sad ol’ Ronnie?


Harry
Ron. I...just calm down. Let’s sit and talk about this…

Ron
No! There’s no more sitting and talking with you, Harry! I’ve heard everything I want to hear from you! You’re a fake and a cheater, and I want nothing more than to be rid of you and your bloody legacy! You know what. screw you and Neville! I’m the “Boy Who Lived!” I had to live through all of your bollocks! That’s worth then scars on my forehead, mate! G’head. Do it! Take out your wand and give me the visible representation of your ruining of my life!

Harry
Ron! You’re being ridiculous! I won’t do that!

Ron
No? Too chicken, eh? Figures! It only proves what a coward you are. Oh, if only the newspaper was here to see this! “Wonderboy Potter: Afraid of a Weasley!” Oh how the Ministry would hate you then, eh? Suppose, the did, eh? You’d have to admit that I helped you achieve everything they say you did by yourself!

Harry
It wasn’t just you Ron…

Ron
No, that’s right! It wasn’t. That trollop was by your side every step of the way!

Harry
(draws his wand) Don’t you…

Ron
That’s right, Harry. Do it! Put me out of my misery (grabs Harry’s wand and points it at his head)

Harry
Ron! No! I won’t

Ron
C’mon Harry, say it!

Harry
No…

Ron
(softly) Stupefy…

Harry
Ron, I’m not…

Ron
(louder) Stupefy…

Harry
Ron, this is insane

Ron
(almost a yell) Crucio...


Harry
Ron, no! Now that’s enough!

Ron
(points his wand at Harry while holding Harry’s wand at his head) Avada Kedavra!

Harry
RON! (the curse jsut misses Harry’s head. Striking the back of the office and leaving a black charred mark on the wall)

Ron
Leave me alone! If you can’t kill me, then leave! Let me end my days here in the last palce I was truly happy. Let me drown in a potion, not unlike the deadly ones we accidentally made in class. Let me be, Harry...let me be.

Harry
Ron, I…

Ron
Just go…

Harry
But, Ron. This is no way to live. What about everything we fought for?

Ron
Everything you fought for! I only fought for one thing besides you…

Harry
What?

Ron
...her…

Harry
Ron, I’m...I…

Ron
Go Harry!


Harry
I hope he turns out to be half the man that you are, Ron Weasley…

Ron
What are you talking about?

Harry
My only wish is that he’ll get to know the man his father tells him stories about every night before he goes to bed,
Ron
Harry, what the hell are you on about now?

Harry
He’ll hear about you from his friends, no doubt. And their stories will probably be even bigger exaggerations than I tell him…

Ron
Harry Potter, what are you trying to say to me?

Harry
You’re going to be a godfather, Ron.

Ron
Godfather, Did Bill send you? Are they gonna have another one? Christ, those two are like rabbits!

Harry
No, Ron. Not Bill. Me.

Ron
You and Fleur? When did this happen? You’d better hide, mate! When Bill finds out, no amount of beer will ease your pain. You’ll be wishing that curse I threw hit it’s mark.

Harry
Ron, boy are you thick! It’s not Fleur, it’s not Bill. It’s me..and Hermione. We’re having a baby!

Ron
YOU’RE WHAT? That’s BRILLIANT! When, where, how…I mean, this is great news!

Harry
I’m glad to hear that, old friend.

Ron
Right! Well, as the Godfather to this young man, I decree that you take me to his mother immediately! This is a cause for celebration! (Ron starts to tear apart his office looking for something)


Harry
Ron, what are you doing?

Ron
If this is to be any kind of celebration, we need to have all the proper equipment!

Harry
Ron, Hermione can’t drink, she’s pregnant!


Ron
I know that, you git! I was looking for this! (Ron holds out his hands and shows Harry a loosely strung together mess of four pieces of a wand)

Harry
Your old wand? Why do we need that?

Ron
It’s got to go in the baby’s room, of course!

Harry
Um...why?

Ron
So when his father tells him all the stories about his Uncle Ron, he can look up and see the actual wand that helped his father and uncle through all those stories. And when his friends come in to see the wand he can explain to them what it symbolizes…

Harry
What’s that Ron?

Ron
That no matter how many times it bends, cracks, splits, or breaks; The bond shared by a wand and it’s master is like the bond shared between friends. It will never fail you in times of great need, and no matter how much trouble you’re in, it will help you get out any way it can.

Harry
I couldn’t have asked for a better gift for our son…

Ron
Well, c’mon Harry. It’s just a ruddy old wand. It might impress some kids, but…

Harry
I wasn’t talking about the wand, Ron.

Ron
You weren’t? Then what were you talking about, Potter?

Harry
Bloody hell, you’re thick, Ron!

Ron
It’s a Weasley family trait!

Harry
Let’s hope the baby doesn’t take that from his Uncle…


Ron
Any chance he could be ginger?

Harry
Only if he’s lucky, Ron...only if he’s lucky…

Ron
Lucky I didn’t take your head off a minute ago, eh?

Harry
Yeah. Good thing you were aiming right at me, or I’d have been worried!

Ron
I wasn’t….

They both embrace as the leave the office. Laughing and chatting about new adventures to come...some of old, some new, and some that they might have to make up for the sake of the baby, but new adventures just the same...



Sunday, January 26, 2014

Like a Pair of Stolen Polished Dimes

When I tried out for Cheney's community theatre last summer, I came in saying I had some experience. I decorated that statement with a heapin' helpin' of some good ol' false modesty. I aimed to keep the bar low, so as not to embarrass myself when and if the time came to actually speak learned lines in front of a home-town crowd. I practiced hard, did what I felt was proper character development, and all in all it was a success. Sure, I had a tiny part in an large ensemble, but as Eddie says :

"...the smallest oceans still get big big waves..." Pearl Jam-Tremor Christ

So the next play came. This one a tiny cast with a need for "younger" actors. (Seeing as how the average age in the group is like 50, I qualified as young) Better yet, I had a shot at a male lead role. Sure it would be way bigger than I had ever done, but I was up for it. Hell, I was practically begged to audition for it, and the director of the last play all but told me I was an amazing talent. What the hell, right?

"You could be my Yoko Ono, you could follow me wherever I go" Barenaked Ladies- Yoko Ono

Here's the story. Bill (me) wakes up on the morning of his wedding day with a bump on his head, one hell of a hangover, and a girl next to him. Said girl is not his betrothed. Through a series of events Bill and his best man Tom keep the girl a secret from Rachel, Bill's fiancee. However, in doing so, it's revealed that the girl is actually Tom's girlfriend Judy. There's lots of "'Oh my God's" and "Yes she is/No she isn't" and pretty soon most of the characters know what's what. Except Rachel. Here's the fun part. Bill's marrying Rachel, but Judy loves Bill. Rachel's marrying Bill, but Tom loves Rachel. And Bill...he's just lucky if he remembers to zip up his pants. Decisions are made, lives (and beds) are changed, and the story ends with a trip to Jamaica.

So, the rehearsals were peppered between Xmas and New Years, one of the actresses (the one I had most of my lines with) went on vacation and missed 9 rehearsals, (only to quit immediately after her first rehearsal back) and we flip-flopped roles to accommodate the ladies in the play. Along with the lady-drama, I got a killer cold right before dress rehearsals were to begin and I still had very little command over my lines.

" If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread as I walk away."  Weezer-Undone (The Sweater Song)

Fast forward to tonight. It's the end of night three: I still don't know my lines, My knees are killing me, most of the cast hates me for messing up their cue lines, and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Well, the stage time anyway. Oh and I signed my first autograph tonight! Must be a sign...

"That woman she's got eyes that shine..." (see below)

The title's song name, lyrics, and artist are below. There are a few lines that remind me of Bill, Rachel, and Judy. The song itself may not be exactly like the Bill's predicament, but there are a few well turned phrases that are parallel with Bill and his dilemma. In the folder marked Perfect Wedding Playlists file this song under "Bill: End of Act Two"

Avett Brothers- I, and Love, and You

Load the car and write the note.
Grab your bag and grab your coat.
Tell the ones that need to know.
We are headed north.

One foot in and one foot back.
But it don't pay to live like that.
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks.
For never to return.

Ah Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.
Are you aware the shape I'm in?
My hands they shake, my head it spins.
Ah Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.

When at first I learned to speak.
I used all my words to fight.
With him and her and you and me.
Ah, but it's just a waste of time.
Yeah it's such a waste of time.

That woman she's got eyes that shine.
Like a pair of stolen polished dimes.
She asked to dance I said it's fine.
I'll see you in the morning time.
Ah Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.
Are you aware the shape I'm in?
My hands they shake, my head it spins.
Ah Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.

Three words that became hard to say.
I and love and you.
What you were then I am today.
Look at the things I do.

Ah Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.
Are you aware the shape I'm in?
My hands they shake, my head it spins.
Ah Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age.
Your dreams that catch the world the cage.
The highway sets the traveler's stage.
All exits look the same.

Three words that became hard to say.
I and love and you.
I and love and you.
I and love and you.